Moving Onwards & Upwards

I left London in  November 2013.  My husband is British and I was partially raised by a very British step-father.  I have always loved Britain and London and my english roots and ties. Aways.  When I was growing up, our house was very British and Italian and all the other nationalities I am as well. We had endless episodes of Faulty Towers playing in our house. The humour in our house was very British too.

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But when I left the last time. It was after two of the worst years I can categorically recall – Not since some very early periods of painful things that I had as a young child and teenager.   My beautiful city  London and all things British became horribly tainted by these dark and nasty moments that were being lived by me.   There are posts of how painful some of those things were for me, but I will never be able to explain the exact extent of what I went through ,or should I say what I was dragged through. But it was not pretty. Lets just leave it at that!  And by someone who I absolutely adored and looked up to and cared very much about at the time.

I experienced what a living nightmare was in all its darkness. I learned how selfish and greedy people can be that have portrayed themselves otherwise. I learned a hell of lot. And it seems I needed to learn all of that. I will never entrust my life in anyones hands again. I found myself with no voice to speak up in case I was jobless.  Fear ruled my life and beckoned me further down the road of hell. But I made that choice.  Until eventually I snapped. Broken. Shattered. All the things I had done to work on myself through the years fell apart. All the courage I had built and all the self taught positive input I had dedicated myself to also slipped away. I no longer felt I was part of anything or believed in anything anymore. The magic I once felt was long gone.

 

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I arrived in Australia in December 2013.  Shortly after I left Amsterdam and spent sometime with my greatest gift-  my daughter Skye.  By the time I arrived in a hot and humid Brisbane, I was an empty vessel. My family were  standing at the airport waiving little Aussie flags- they would have no idea that the girl they were collecting from international arrivals was no longer even there anymore. Everything about me was lost. Everything that made me who I was, was in fact just gone. I no longer cared about anything much. I tried hard to put on a very brave face.  I desperately wanted to turn back the clock and erase the time I had in London for those hellish two years. Oh how I would have given anything to transport me back to Amsterdam. Back home to my daughter, my bike, my friends. My life as I had known it. My beautiful home that I had given up  by false promises and lies.

 

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I arrived with hardly any money. I had used all my last resources getting out of hell. Moving all my stuff, tickets, getting to my daughter, getting to Thailand for a week  to try and compose myself. And then getting to Australia and having just enough to survive for a few months till I could find work and get back up again.  The little money I did have represented hell for me, so I actually wanted shot of that too. I could not stop crying. Non stop, all the time. My mother took me to the doctors and got me some of  the help that I needed. I slowly but surely began to heal. I saw a therapist and life started to look up again.

 

 

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I have spent the last year and a half making other women feel good about themselves. And this has been great. And my new role is to do the same but on a more personal level.

I have gone from working for a big make-up brand. To becoming the first beauty stylist for a huge store. Its one for the history books! At the same time I am studying to be a counsellor. I will qualify next year. After two years of hard graft.

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Now I look at things very differently. And I am very open to things changing again in the future. I am not sure that Australia is my forever place. Most probably not. But its been the place where I have come to get my head sorted and be with my family who love me unconditionally. To pick myself up when almost everything fell apart. Its in those dark places that we can find ourselves again. When your heart is so full of darkness it cracks open and the little bit of light shines in and opens it all up again.

 

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You experience all that you experience to learn and to grow. Its part of the deal. Some of those things are unexplainable. But further down the line, you will get it.  I wont’ hesitate to live my life to the fullest. I want to live life! Fight for your survival. Don’t let others get the better of you! People will love it when you fall. There is so much shit out there. But there is a lot of good. Find your strengths and build on them. Learn from past mistakes. I certainly wont ever make the same ones! Mine were hard lessons. Most of us get it hard. But we only get what we can just about cope with. Its important to feel that pain. To really feel the earth tremble and shatter beneath you to be free again. Someone else’s bad behaviour towards you is their karma.

 

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Picking Up The Pieces

There comes that time in life when you can finally look back and see things clearly.  There is a chance to laugh again, and a chance to finally look and reevaluate your dreams that you held so dear. The ones that you forgot because you got so terribly sucked into the worst kind of existence that you could possibly imagine for yourself. The dreams that got washed away almost as though a huge wave came crashing down and just like that, swept them all away.  One day you are standing there, and the magnitude of reality of what you emerged from is almost surreal.

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The laughter had but all gone. Hearing your own laughter was once something you heard daily, and then for sometime it was gone. For a long time actually. And you thought about that. You thought about how you hadn’t heard that laughter anymore. You worried and wondered if you ever would. At some point you really believed that it was simply never coming back. This was it now. This is how it was always going to be. But then something does change and you do laugh again. woman_happy

And you begin to pick up the pieces and to restructure your original plan. You lost sight of that plan in the midst of the epic battle you managed to emerge from. But you emerge stronger and far calmer than you ever thought you could be. Because you are brave and bold. You start to love yourself again. Because that is where it all begins. With self love. Everything else begins to fall into place. Healing begins with self. Nothing much on the outside is going to fix you if you don’t start internally. Patience is needed. Lots of it. quotes-mood-boosting-jesse-dylan-600x411

Laughter has been known to heal. That is simply one of life’s natural joys and medicines.

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